| <3 |
[
June 9th, 2009 ï 8:31pm
] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 contemplative |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
MISFITS |
] |
LOL, I laugh when I read stuff that I wrote when I was younger. It's funny.
But yeah. Today wasn't a great day. I just can't wait for school to be out. It can't come fast enough, really. Nick and I... well, I don't know what the hell is going on. Tomorrow is our 4 monthaversery. However that is spelled. I want to break up with him.
That is about all that has been on my mind, sorry.
|
| Told you so. |
[
May 23rd, 2009 ï 9:23pm
] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 bored |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Van Halen - Jump |
] |
I didn't forget :D
So friday, I hung out with Nick. And his parents called and asked what he's doing, so he lies and says we were sitting in the park. Now, I'm not sure WHY this got me so upset, but I don't like lying and I don't know why he feels that he needs to lie. So I got really weird on him.
I also think it has something to do with the depression. I've been so exhausted lately.
Oh well, 4 day Memorial Day weekend. It's getting old VERY quickly. I need to find something to do. I wish I could drive. :D I'd have fun. Oh man. Rachael stayed over last night. Boring. I don't know, man.
Okay. I'm out of stuff to say. How eventful.
|
| Can you tell me what I was put on this Earth for? |
[
May 20th, 2009 ï 10:58pm
] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 content |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Arctic Monkeys! I bet that you look good on the dancefloor... |
] |
Okay, so I need to keep up with this. But I guess I never know what to write. I'm not good with words like I used to be, but there's a lot that needs to be said. Since I've stopped writing in this, I've been "bottling" everything up.
I feel as if I'm slipping back into depression. I lied, I feel as if depression is tugging at my hair and taunting me. I was doing alright for a while, but my motivation and happiness level has just been... gradually decreasing? I guess it was nice to be happy for a while, but are things too good to be true? I mean, everything has a catch, right? Oh well. At least it's not the suicidal thoughts. Hopefully... that nevers get as bad as it was...
|
| Apparently goals are nothing. |
[
January 29th, 2009 ï 6:51pm
] |
I haven't done anything I said I would.
I break promises to myself.
I NEED TO WRITE MORE.
|
| Bringing in the New Year. |
[
January 3rd, 2009 ï 10:35am
] |
Not going to lie, I'm a few days late on this.
My goal is to write at least once a week.
I spent New Years Eve first at Cohoes (Luigi had a show in his garage) and later with a dutch in my lungs and some whiskey in my belly.
Delicious.
The New Year isn't bad... just. Ugh. I got my hair chopped off yesterday and it looks terrible :[
Its wayyy to short.
Some of it cant go into a ponytail!
Shawn and I were arguing yesterday =/
I'm supposed to call him today. Pshhh riiiight.
Let's see how much longer this will last.
|
| Hello, my old friend, I'm writing to you again. |
[
December 28th, 2008 ï 4:25am
] |
Hello. I'm back. Yep. That's right. I will hopefully be keeping up with this journal, not posting daily but enough. Whenever I feel like it, or whenever necessary. I couldn't spell that (necessary) and had to have spell check do it. WOW. Okay. Enough.
It's kinda 5:23 in the morning and I'm starving.
Its almost 2009.
HOLLER.
|
| Who fucking knows. |
[
June 3rd, 2008 ï 7:57pm
] |
At first, I'm better. Then I'm not. Whatever.
I'm far too emotional. It's fucking rediculous.
My mom is pissing me THE FUCK off. She's so fucking fake. Ugh.
I wanted to write a lot more, I do really. But I don't feel like typing it all. Things make sense and seem more organized in my head until I try to get it out, and then I just can't.
A teacher said that language is a disability in a way, and I have to agree because I just can't express how I'm feeling and how I can feel myself changing.
Whatever.
|
| Who Knows |
[
May 24th, 2008 ï 10:35am
] |
|
That interaction felt so weird. What a odd moment. Maybe its because my dad is hung-over... or because I'm baked like a pancake. Perhaps a combination of the two.
|
| Hola. |
[
April 1st, 2008 ï 9:31pm
] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
sick |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Sublime<33 |
] |
So it's April Fools. Damn, I just realized I have a hell of a lot to say but I don't feel like typing it all. Oh well. Here we go.
April Fools sucks. Because you usually fall to stupid jokes or whatever. Especially because you don't remember what day it is, yadda yadda. I got the stupid plastic stupid bug on my stupid freakin shoulder. I screamed. And cried. And laughed. I ahve to admit, it was pretty good. I like being pranked. Well not being scared, I fucking hate bugs >:O
Yeah, I'm cursing like a sailor today. I need to calm it down, but 'fuck' makes everything sound good. I realized that I hate the word fuck as in... hey, let's fuck! But I like it when you say... Hey, I forgot my fucking books. Fuck! ....okay.
I'm still a little sick but I've been feeling a lot better lately. Woot. Fuck sickness. it sucks.
ANYWAY. How does a teacher lose your work and punish you for it?@?!?.,gbn wjkr;gnldsrfse/
I was pretty much stiffed today. And I'm kinnda pissed. It's more because a message I got. Well Katie and Cas if you see this, sorry that we never got to hang out. But don't tell me 5, then 6:30 and don't call me until 8? It's like. The 3rd time that happened. And I didn't enjoy the "Well have fun with Vicious or whatever" message. Because I told him not to come over, but he did. And I said, hey, what the hell, I was ditched anyway. Yeaaaah.
So I really don't want to deal with him but oh well, I guess I have no choice. Apparently he drives now, and his friend Kyle drives, and dammit this sucks. Oh well. I denied him! hahahahhaa. It was funny. His friend is pretty neato too. I love 20 years old. Fuck yeah.
I could totally elaborate on this more, but I don't feel like it. My head hurts. Not bad but I'm using that as an excuse. Fuck yoself :]
|
| I wouldn't even be writing... |
[
March 31st, 2008 ï 11:15pm
] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
tired |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Alkaline trio - Radio |
] |
Maybe I will try to write daily again. Now that I'm not in SD, I guess I have nowhere to talk about shit. Not that I was talking anyway. But yeah.
So. I don't really know what to say. I mean, there's so much I could say, but yeah. Nobody's interested. I'm tired. I'll write tomorrow if I feel like it. I'm hanging out with Katie and Cas though.
|
| hi. |
[
February 22nd, 2008 ï 12:39pm
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Elvis Costello - Chelsea |
] |
I've been meaning to write.
I've been feeling better.
But now. I'm. Depressed.
|
| It was a mix-up, a misunderstanding. |
[
February 5th, 2008 ï 11:51pm
] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
good |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Alien Ant Farm - Movies |
] |
:] I dont know what to write. Same shit, different day. Maybe a little twist here, a turn there. Okay.
This morning mom told me that she is thinking about moving. I have a split desicion on this... I don't want to move because that makes 5-6 times in 3 years, which is pretty rediculous. I have a feeling that she won't be able to afford a place of her own and we will be living in SCUM. She doesn't clean and she doesn't care.
But in her defense, she's thinking about leaving Dennis. I'm pretty certain that it is an abusive relationship, and it's only hurting her. Plus, I'm not a big fan of him either because he's such a control freak, and he needs everythind HIS way. He calls me a bad kid but he never says anything to my face but apparently [according to my mom] he only says shit to her. You know what? Fuck that.
BUT, in Dennis's defense; My mom has cheated on him. She's lied to him, and as much as he's hurt her, she's done the same. She's stalked & harassed his friends and ex's, shes interrogated him and started stupid fights. Even though I don't like him, my mom isn't an angel to him either.
I was thinking about telling her that she should think about their relationship because she's obviously not happy with it. And look, I guess she did and I didn't even say anything. Supposably she can read my mind. That would suck big time. But either way; She wants to move into Vliet, and here is where things get complicated.
My dad is talking about moving OUT OF Watervliet. He hates it here [mostly for reasons due to his racism] and Ruth is pressing him to move as well. I've lived here my whole life and I don't want to just leave everything behind. My mom wants to move INTO Vliet, I think because my dad lives here and that would make things easier for going back and forth. But if he moves, then wtf? You know? The shitty part that I'm in the middle is taht my dad doesn't want me saying anything and my mom doesn't want me saying anything, so I can't tell either of them. I'm always caught in the fucking middle. Blah.
Moving on. I don't really have much to say. I was supposed to hang out with Katie but I guess that fell through because we couldn't think of anyone to call for weed and I fell asleep anyway. I feel bad. Because she doesn't know that I fell asleep. Ah well =/ I NEED to get out more, seriously, but since I'm becoming a mole, I don't really want to leave my house. Even my room. It's like my haven. But I hate it. I want to go out with people and interact but damn, I'm like fucking Boo Radley, hahah.
|
| RIOT |
[
February 4th, 2008 ï 11:03pm
] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 cranky |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Chevelle - I Get It |
] |
I'm going to start writing this and hope that I have enough energy to finish.
Let's see... Super Bowl. We went to Aunt Linda's for the party like we do every year. It was alright, I don't really fit in with anyone there so *suprise* I stay all by myself the whole time, but I try to talk to grandma and try to bond with her a little better. I wanted the Patriots to win, because they're my team, yanno. But they didnt't :[ Dad won a square thing, he got $1000+ so thats neat. He deserves that I think. He is pretty convinced that if anything helped the Giants to win, it was Uncle Ted watching the game in heaven. Man, my eyes were watering up when he said that. Big time. He would be so happy though, I know that for a fact.
The ride home was interesting, because Ruth and Dad were drunk and arguing. Apparently when she got a DWI, she asked the police officer to have sex with her. hahaha! Score. SLUT.
Today I asked Daddy if he will bring me to the cemetary on the 19th, and he said yeah, most of the family will be there as well. Omg, I am going to cry and I know it. I'm about to cry thinking about it. I've been doing a lot lot lot better with it so thats a plus. Everytime I bring up Uncle Ted, my dad always says the same thing; "I can't believe he's gone... It still doesn't seem real. It's so weird" and I think today he was about to cry because his voice changed. I felt kinnda bad.
I could go off on shit about myself, but there's really not much I could say that is any different from what I've been saying for the past few months. The lonliness is getting to me and sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy. I never realized how much I took for granted. All of the "myself" time that I've been getting means that I think A LOT more, which means I sink deeper into depression. It's like a game, its like a phase, and it's a cirlce because it never ends.
Most of the time, I think about death. Killing myself. Its actually entertaining. Planning things out. Okay, so I know I SHOULDN'T be, but I do it anyway. Oh well. I can never help it, I can never stop it, it's like I was born with a chip embedded in my head, and someone has turned it on.
Yeah. Little things have been driving me crazy. Whether it's someone talking about someone else, someone touching me and I don't want to fucking be touched, and especially people dragging me down [which includes people trying to upset me, HELLO I'M ALREADY FUCKING MISERABLE, IT'S NOT MAKING A DIFFERENCE, and people in class who don't ave any consideration what-so-ever for other people]. Maybe I'm just being a bitch but hey, that's who I am.
Grandma told me that I'm like my mom, and that the incident with Liz reminded her of my mother. Isn't this the best thing I've heard lately? Oh, you bet on it.
School, eh. Tyler is always pressing me about doing better, and it's actually been helping me. It's like he cares, And thats pretty amazing. A good feeling. But with school, my standards are slipping and I am ENJOYING it too much to bring myself back to where I was. 70 in Russian? Fuck it, because I don't want to go to Harvard. I don't even know what the fuck I want to do with my life. Whatever gets me by. How you like me now, bitch?
So, I WANT to write songs. I try to put together some lyrics but nothing seems to work lately. What I write either doesn't flow, or just sounds fucking corny. I can't think of any guitar parts, and my singing voice is sounding strained and whiney. It seems like everything I could lean on for an uplift is just falling apart.
And so it brings me to my next though. Life is like... a big... lego building or something. It can just fall when you're at a high, like when you've just finished building the lego castle. You step back and look at it and notice that something is a little messed up. So you want to try and fix it, but someone else steps in the way and takes one of the pieces. So you start to watch the beautiful creation just start to fall apart. Little by little, you're loosing pieces and they're being stolen off, whatever, until you realize that it's just a waste of space and you kick it across the fucking room and it shatters into a million fucking pieces. It's so frustrating and you have no motivation to fix it up, because last time you tried to build it up it turned out like shit and got fucking destroyed.
So that was probably the worst connection ever but lick my balls.
|
| FROM BEHIND THOSE EMPTY WALLS |
[
February 3rd, 2008 ï 11:21pm
] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
drained |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
FFTL - For The Taking |
] |
He finally is backing away, thank youuuu.
Anyway. I suppose I am like my mom. My little stunt with threatening Liz was just like my mom. I have fucked up thoughts like my mom. It scares me. I don't want to be her, but I AM her.
Uncle Ted must be so happy right now, Giants won the Super Bowl! My dad won $500 too. But we're convinced that Uncle Ted helped the Giants win <33
I don't know what to write.
I got a 70 in Russian, dad was PISSSSSSEDDDD. I'll probably kill myself before college anyway,
I think people realize that I'm depressed. Uberly depressed. My dad told me that I need to get out more. Thanks fuycking Captain Obvious. I had no idea. I need someone. A friend, someone to hang out with. Maybe a boyfriend. I want to feel special, I want to feel beautiful, and I have beeen feeling like SHIT lately.
Ugh.
No motivation.
The end.
|
| Everything you said were LIES about devotion and desire... |
[
January 27th, 2008 ï 2:09am
] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
morose |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Almost Easy - A7X |
] |
As my heart is beating even heavier, and faster. The 3 second fits have turned into minute long tangents... I can feel my heart contracting and pumping, and it feels like it'll burst out of my chest any minute. I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that everything is related to anxiety and pyshical health is good...
I've latched on to someone, and I feel bad. I've burdened him with my problems and I'm led him down my path to the point where he cares so much that he has dreams about my fits... I feel guilty for ruining his sleep, and I feel guilty for wrapping his feelings around my fingers, even though I'm quite entangled myself. I just don't want to hurt him, nor myself hurt, because... either I will erode away because I can be saved or I will be forcefully sent away. I told him he had me.
I don't lie often. I like that about myself. I'm rather real. Unless I really do lie and I just don't realize, but I highly highly doubt it.
I don't want my life to take such a drastic turn. I'd rather tie myself to my past, and never let go of that scrapbook of memories I've kept with me my life in Watervliet. I'm not burning the fucking book.
I honestly never thought... that my depression was this bad. There has got to be more to it than that. Is depression the same as having suicidal thoughts? You can be depressed without being suicidal. I never realized how fucking serious it really is. I didn't realize it was possible to constantly think about and just desire death. Nor did I ever realize that it doesn't take that much to call yourself suicidal. I can't quite gauge where I am. If its a big threat or if I'm making everything up. I often question it... Am I really arguing with myself, in my head? Or is it a totally different world? I confuse myself, but it keeps my wondering.
So someone told me that they hope I figure things out. What is there to figure out? I wasn't asking for a solution. I'm sick of petty fucking feelings and sympathy. If you really care, you'll fucking help me admit to myself that I'm fucked up. Stop convincing me that I'm fucking okay.
|
| Coming into realization. |
[
January 25th, 2008 ï 2:01pm
] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
uncomfortable |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Low - Cracker |
] |
I'm beginning to realize things.
I haven't been myself. I'm getting so scared. Its so extrememly hard to explain, but not things that I would realize right away.
My depression is growing worse and worse. I don't remember myself. I don't KNOW myself.
I guess I WITHDRAWLED. I realized that I haven't been as open with people, I've stopped talking to people. I feel like I'm loosing contact with people I love. I don't WANT that to happen. My best friends are turning into strangers. It feels like we haven't talked in months when in reality it's only been 2 weeks. But then again, time is flying by for me.
I don't know if my fate is to change as a person, or if I am loosing myself to this illness.
My dreams are constantly contridicting myself and my beliefs.
I don't trust my closet friends. I'm loosing appeal of talking to them. I take things too seriously. I find things so harsh, that are just common. I hate things I used to love. I don't see good in anything. My dreams and goals have turned to rubbish. I'm so nervous.
And I just can't explain what is happening to me.
NOTHING EVER FEELS REAL.
I FEEL LIKE MY LIFE IS A GAME.
I CAN'T RETRIEVE FEELINGS OF THE PAST
AND ITS AS IF ALL OF MY MEMORIES ARE JUST SO CORRUPT.
MY STANDARDS HAVE LOWERED DRASTICALLY
AND I NEED TO BE FIXED
I NEED TO BE SAVED
I NEED TO FUCKING COME CLEAN
BUT I'M JUST A COWARD.
I'M A FAKE.
I'M USELESS.
I NEED TO FUCKING DIE.
|
|
[
January 22nd, 2008 ï 11:14pm
] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
sore |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Harlem Streets - Immortal Technique |
] |
So I planned on writing an update earlier and I'm PISSED now because my wireless mouse is fucking broke and I hate the laptop pad. haha. Gosh I suck so bad =[ Well I was sitting in school today and I figured it was time for an update, and I began to write an outline :]] I do that sometimes, haha.
Okay. One thing that has been bothering lately... I just stop breathing. And I'm starting to wonder if there's something wrong with me. Seriously, no exaggeration, I'm sitting here and all of a sudden my heart starts beating really fast and I realize i'm not breathing. It's starting to scare me. I just... forget to breathe? That makes me sound so stupid. And it's not like a once a day deal, it happens 5-10 times a day. Ugh :[[ Any idea? It makes me feel like some outside force is telling me I don't DESERVE to breathe. =//
My friend Kaley said that it might be a heart murmur. And when I looked up symptoms, I had a few; shortness of breath, which I've already expained. Excessive sweating. This might sound gross, but I sweat like mad! My hands go NUMB because I sweat so much. Even just sitting around, I'll be sweating. And also, dizziness. Especially lately, I've been extrememly dizzy, whether walking through the halls (hence why everything turns to a blur), standing up (sometimes so bad I have to sit back down), just sitting, or during psychical activity. Who knows. That makes me nervous though.
Saturday made the 11th month since my Uncle's death. Insane that time flew by so fast. My dad and I were watching the Giants game on Sunday, and when they won, my dad was saying "Teddy would be going crazy right now." and he would, that silly diehard Giants fan :]] I wish he could have seen it, though. And see the Giants go to playoffs. Wow. I just can't believe it's already been a year!
My internet is back on (obviously). So thats good. When I went to my Grandmas yesterday I think it was, my uncle was there and he brought up my suspension (is that how you spell it? My head hurts. haha). It feels like really really old news, it kinnda is, but whatever. I don't understand why people are asking ME if I'M okay. Like I'm supposed to be an angel and never say shit like that? Well I'm sick of being the quiet girl who every fucking steps on. Even though I've been changing from that, but still. So I don't get why people are asking me if I'm okay. Can they tell that I've getting worse and worse into depression? Do they know? It kinnda makes me paranoid. I think someone is going to see my scars. They're not really dark anymore, but they're THERE. eek! =/ He told me that everyone was worried about me when they heard ehat I did (see, Gossip Family). And then he started laughing and told me that I should have said "stab her in the neck" rather than slit her throat because it sounds better. haha. That made me smile.
Oh, and she didn't leave the school. LETDOWN! She just left for a week. Ugh! I'm so mad! I don't want to deal with her shit anymore. wha wha whaaa.
Okay, let's see. My relationship with my mom isn't doing that bad. She still doesn't really talk to me much, but its better than her yelling. I think she's bulimic ;/ I hear her throwing up a lot, and a few years ago she was like that too. I'm worried. A little. It's weird. UGH! Well. I think she's been cheating on Dennis, and if she has, I think he's caught her. Because on her myspace, she was talking to a lot of guys, and on her Yahoo Personals, she was talking to a lot of guys too. It said she was divorced... but she's engaged! So Dennis is controlling her and telling her what she can and can't do. I don't know whether to feel bad or not because she set herself up, and she doesn't really deserve someone really good to her. Terrible to say but true. Should I write her (I'm bad with just telling people straight out) that she shouldn't deal with Dennis's shit? Because I'm torn here. He's gotten pyshical with her before and even broken bones in her hand.
Dennis is becoming an enemy of mine. His fighting with my mom really fucking pisses me off. She definitely antagonizes him, but he's a control freak and he has seveere OCD. I guess he's always complaining to my mom about me being a bad kid, well fuck that. I'm not a bad kid at all. And I've never, ever ever ever acted up to him. I don't see his problem with me, his own fucking son doesn't even call. Dennis is always miserable and I just can't be around it.
Ruth is Ruth. Trashy, loud, I don't know why I ever could stand her, haha.
Sydney... she's eh. She's been being a little bitch lately. Today she was yelling at a girl down the street and I went out side and SCREAMED at her, telling her to keep her mouth shut because she's not helping a problem, and to NEVER talk to an adult the way she did to Ruth. Syd can be such a brat, and it drives me to be the way I am to her. My dad doesn't pay enough attention to us, we're not his first priority, to put her in line, so I guess I stepped up =/
So the babysitting job? Totally done. She still owes me $30. But the girl I was watching got in a fight with Syd and Alexis so, haha. She was annoying and her mom pissed me off. Whateverrr.
Because we're almost over with the 2nd quarter, we've had midterms like crazy. Most of them are over, which is good. On math, I got a 96 and it's an 10th grade course :]] I was so proud! haha. Regents in math are on thursday, goodie. Ew. Global history, I did shit on multiple choice (77%! yikes!) but I'm sure my essay was amazing. I always write amazing essays, haha. I'm scared to see my Biology, eek. But yeah, it wasn't that bad. Oh, and apparently I'm doing better in Russian now. Good. Bad. Whatever.
I like walking home, and I don't mind school. I guess I have a few friends, we always walk home together and it's nice having something to look forward to.
Yep. Let's see, what elseee. I'm dragging this out a little. Things with myself. Ehh, I've been so selfconcious that I'm getting fatter. I KNOW I am, because I haven't been active at all except walking home from school, I eat like shit. I will that all I ate was fruits, but I could get (shit i wasn't breathing :[[) diabetes doing that, right? ;/ Okay. I haven't really been happy, but I have a feeling something good is going to happen. Maybe. I hope.
I'm sure theres so much more I could say, but I'm going to end it here.
|
| DAMN YOU INTERNET. |
[
January 19th, 2008 ï 2:33pm
] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 okay |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Cunninlynguists - Thugged Out Since Cub Scouts |
] |
The internet got shut off. PISSSSSEEDDDD. How can they do that to me? Don't they know that I, as a teenager, need internet to survive a 3 day weekend!? haha. I'm at grandma's right now, and I'm on my laptop because Mary Ellen lives downstairs and have wireless. YES.
Well. I kinnda have a lot to say. Here goes:
I am so much like my mom, and to see one of my biggest fears just APPEAR before my own eyes... it kinnda bothers me. On the way to school Friday (yesterday) morning, she was talking about how I am like her when she was my age. How she pierced her ears and wore different, dark clothes, and how she "rebelled". Wtf?! no. I'm not like that. I'm so different than her =[ It hurts so bad when people say we look alike, because it means we're alike.! I don't want to be selfish like her, and I don't want to lie and cheat and steal and everything else bad like her.
I don't know what else to say. Thinking about becoming like her is making me feel extremely helpless.
I hung out with Katie last night, for the first time in a few months. I really really missed her like you wouldn't know. I miss the summer. We always had so much fun. Sure, that was a lowlight in my life because I was heavy smoking weed, like every day, sometimes twice a day... but I mean, I don't oppose it or anything, and I like being high. [go ahead, jump down my throat, whatever but we all have different opinions]. We stayed over night at Cassie's (who I missed too, haha she's so cute :] ) with Emily, Tom was there, and that weird "Jake" Pete guy. haha. Of colurse, we smoked. First time for me in what, 2-3 months? Katie rolled her first dutch! It was nice and fat, haha. Then... Steph showed up. At first I was all nervous that it would be weird for me. It wasn't that bad. Then we took a few hits from the bong, haha. Man. Marijuana. katie and Emily fell asleep so Steph and Cassie decided to go to Taco Bell, I went with them. It made me really really miss being with Steph. I wasn't depressed when we were together (even though I felt a little better when we broke up, for some reason).
I suck with committment and shit. If I have feelings for someone and then we get together, I always either get scared or just lose feelings. I wish I didn't do that because I can't keep a relationship for my life.
b;gnekjrgnsaergseg/.
I don't know what to write. I just don't have anything =/ Totally lost it.
|
| This is my skeleton... |
[
January 17th, 2008 ï 11:31pm
] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
tired |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Ani DiFranco - Shameless |
] |
I'm tired so I'm staying up to write this because I've been getting nagged by SOME people, haha. :]]
Well. I;m tired! Thank God. Meaning I can actually sleep tonight.
Midterms have been going well, blah blah blah. Who cares? haha,
I'm not exactly sure what to write about. I could pick one of the millions of ideas that speed through my head each day, and then when it's actually time to sit and write, I suck.
Lets see...
I've been so extremely wrapped up in feelings lately. I can't distinguish each and everyone to find its true meaning... I often question my feelings for people because its just not how I've experienced things before. Does that make sense? I'm kinnda just babbling on. But either way -- I think I've been confusing love for lust. I think I'm making up feelings because I'm so lonely. I'm throwing myself onto people because I'm pathetic in that sense. But whatever.
Okay, here's something that bothers me about myself... I'm stubborn in being right and following my own path. I want to improve in school, especially Russian, but I feel like if I try to improve, Mr Leggiero will think I am doing it as a result of his influence, and I DO NOT WANT HIM THINKING THAT. because its SO off. I want to do things for myself. Not other people. I don't know why such a little issue is blwon up like this. Welcome to my mind.
I'm getting fat. I see it. Every little pound. I see it add on. And I'm getting bigger, and bigger, and bigger. It depresses me. It's a main source of my sadness. I don't like the way I look. I mean, sometimes I can say that I don't look bad, but most of the time... ew. I'm chubby. It's ugly. My nose is pretty big. My skin is greasey. My hair is dead and gross. My fingers are fat anf stocky. My facial structure is too boxey and masculine. I have a bad form. My eyes are dark. They look like death. I hate it =[
Okay. enough. I'm so freakin tired. I'm about to just pass out.
Tomorrow I'll actually put thought forth.
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| i get moneyyy :]] |
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January 15th, 2008 ï 1:12am
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mood |
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hot |
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music |
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In My Backyard - Dead Celebrity Status |
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Copying my update... hm.
Well. OSS was really freakin fun. Going back to school kinda sucked, because I hate school. My Russian teacher was supposably talking to the class about me, going downhill and shit. Where does he have a right to say anything like that when I'm not there? You know? That really pissed me off. Well. I saw Liz today and I tried to give her a super dirty look, but she wouldn't make eye contact with me. Stupuid hoe :D haha. I'm a crazy bitch, haha. I was on her myspace because someone mentioned this to me... her display name is:
Elizabeth leaves in 3 days... So I want to know where she;s going? hahah. Hopefully FAR FAR AWAY. Oh, and she still have pictures of us together up. It's making me uncomfortable.
Well enough about her. She's a skank anyway. I woke up late this morning and when I was walking to school, Steph pulled over and asked me if I wanted a ride. So of course I said yes. It was a little awkward because I was talking and she didn't really say anything,. but it was SO MUCH like when we were together [seeing as how we haven;t hung out since then? like, once?]. She told me that since the Liz inccident, she told Liz to never talk to her again, ha ha ha ha ha! So. Liz has no friends, ha ha ha ha ha! anyway. Steph doesn't know that I still have feelings for her, like MAD. and I don't want her to know because she';s with someone. And I'm not, I'm all lonely and whatever here. Except for my long distence girlfriend named Sya. She's a hottie ;p ;p ;p/
Kay. Well that's all I really had to say but it's short. Soooo, I'm trying to think of things to say, hahaha. Well. I have no clue. OH. I messed up my sleeping patterns again. Seeing as how it's 12;47AM right now. Ugh. =[ I slept when I got home from school, 4-8 so I'm not remotely tired. But I am hungry. =//// Oh well. This is going to suck. Midterms start tomorrow, and I haven't prepared at all... YIKES!
I had a dream that I shaved my head...
does this make any sense to you? =/
To dream that? you are shaving your head, indicates a desire that you want to reveal more of yourself. If you leave some hair on your head, then it suggests that you are not completely prepared to let others see who you really are. You are afraid what people might think.? The few clumps?of your hair serves as some sort of safety net.
Robert is my new bestfriend for getting me lots of undergrous rap! Woohoo!.
I realized that I miss her so bad. It kinda hurts. I've been hiding behind denial for too long. I didn't want to believe in those feelings because it hurts knowing shes with someone else. oh well. =/// at least we're talkingh again, right? Katie and I are talking a little again too. It's good. They were my bestfriends this whole summer until October. I spent a year on and off with her... that's a long time.
Katie says she thinks good things are going to happen from this point.
When I thought about it... I see what she means!
I forgot how much I missed her.
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| Don't Go Soft on Breaking My Heart |
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January 13th, 2008 ï 9:37pm
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mood |
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aggravated |
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music |
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The Vincent Black Shadow <3 |
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First off, I don't want to listen to this bitch talk about her hangover.
Anyway. I really don't have the energy to type, ugh. My whole esjrgn:F blah.
Well, good thing: Mal and I were talking about how she should move up around here :D She can work at the Eddy, it'll be good times. haha. /end
Alright. My cousin Mike was just giving me shit about getting OSS. Whatever.
I was crying beccause I miss my brother so bad =[
I'm demented. And depressed. And suicidal.
I don't know what to say.
But everyone is hiding a secret from the world.
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| Hey you, devil's little sister. |
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January 12th, 2008 ï 5:48pm
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mood |
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 creative |
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music |
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Falling Away From Me - Korn |
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Okay. I'm writing even though I haven'y in a few days. Robert pointed it out to me that I haven't been writing and Mal noticed and said her "friend's page has been boring", that gave me a chuckle.
So I need to write about Wednesday. Someone asked me about a rumor, "I heard you were sleeping with Dale, is that true?" Later I found out that it was Liz spreading shit about me. Pissed. That stupid bitch has NO RIGHT saying anything about me. She's a nasty-ass whore. So I texted her and said... "I swear to God, If you ever fucking talk about me again, I'll slit your fucking throat, you dirty fucking whore!" I'm a brutal mothafucker. haha. Well, apparently she was scared, because she sent it to her mom who called the school. At 6th period, I got called to the principals. At first I was telling her I didn't care, she deserved it, but she said she would give me OSS for a whole week if I didn't show emotion, I started crying, blah blah.
She called my dad, and you know what he did? When we walked out, he LAUGHED. He LAUGHED! I think that's great, haha. He wasn't mad about it, he just wasn't glad I got out of school suspension. My mom wasn't exactly mad, but she did give me a lecture about how I ruined my chances of getting into college, and said that I don't want to end up like her (how funny, being like her is probably my BIGGEST FEAR). She did take my phone, but I didn't get grounded. She told me to beat Liz's ass off school ground, but I told her that I could get OSS for that, too. Ugh. I wish I could beat up her skanky ass. But if I get her blood on me, I might get AID's.
Oh, mom also said maybe I should give up guitar and focus more on school. That pissed me off beyond belief. She told me I'm extremely intelligent -- I asked her, what is intelligence? She couldn't answer that one.
Later that nighht, a wave of depression hit and my personlity was broken into two; a destructive side that wants me tortured, and the rational side that could hear ther ripping off my scalp and advised me to stop tugging out my hair. I wrote a journal that night, a short one, it says...
"I'm bleeding from my wrist. not bad. But it's bleeding."
Yeah =/ I slashed up my wrist. Probably the worst it's been. Still not bad though. The cuts are still there, but I've been tending to them so I don't have to wear long sleeves around the house.
My mom walked in on me while I was doing it, but I have quick relfexes and hid the scissors. She asked me what I was hiding, and I said nothing, and then she asked for my phone to take it away. Ugh. I just got it fucking back.
Well enough of Wednesday. I don't understand how OSS is supposed to be a punishment. You get counted as going to school for the day. Only 2 hours, 12:30-2:30 which meant I got to sleep in. Also, I got home earlier, even though school ends 15 minutes before OSS. Plus, I didn't have to deal with teachers and other kids' shit. I don't want to go back to school on Monday, but I am looking forward to giving Liz a big smile. Haha. Like, an "I'm going to slit your fucking throat smile."
I have the mouth of a sailor, haha. I need to work on that.
Last night and into this morning, Syd and I made brownies with peanut butter chips in it, and vanilla cup cakes with strawberry frosting and dinosaur sprinkles. They're rad (haha MAL). I stayed at my Dad last night even though I was supposed to go to Moms, it was lovely :D Oh, Dennis has been being a bitch, and super-miserable. I hate being there, not only because my mom sucks, but he's no fun to be around either. I used to like Dennis but now he's like Scrooge, but all the time. Ugh.
Oh. My mom is bulimic. Lovely. She has been on and off for 3 years =/
I sent out two letters today, and I should send Elise's latelate present soon. Hahah. It's only been a month ;p
Oh well. I can't think of anything else to say. I should start writing regularly again. Woo-hoo.
Oh! Wednesday was Poetry Out Loud. I did mad good for the first round, I made it onto the final round, and then I choked up and sucked. haha. That's me :D
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| Where Soul Lives |
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January 8th, 2008 ï 11:26pm
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mood |
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 anxious |
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music |
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Nirvana - Smells Like Teen Spirit |
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Poetry Out Loud is tomorrow. I'm a bit nervous but I'm just trying to maintain my composure. I have to memorize and recite two poems... I don't have both memorized though. I better get going, haha.
So I wrote something today. Constructive criticism is lovely.
I want to hide from the world
Sometimes...
I want to lock myself inside
And shield the light from my eyes
As if a sorrowful sin
Hidden deep within
A continuous beat, and time stands still
Just put on Earth
As another soul to be killed
Overcome the will to pop another pill
The truth behind
Devistation and combination
Of slurred speech and blurred vision
And yes, they beat is a little funky, but that's how I like it.
I had so much to say, but I just forget. This will be good for now.
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| You made me a shadowboxer, baby. |
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January 7th, 2008 ï 11:41pm
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mood |
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groggy |
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music |
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Fiona Apple - Shadowboxer |
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Keep in mind that it is 11:42 as I begin to write this, and it may not make sense at times as I am struggling to keep my eyes open.
New York Voices -- ever heard of em? Probably not, but their a vocal group (of 4 people I believe, 2 women and 2 men) who developed in New York City, and are signed to a label. Today, one of the female singers came into band to talk to us about music. Music is my biggest passion, most definitely something I love that I would like to continue through the duration of my life. I feel connected to music, and I feel that I have talent in that field. I'm happiest when I have a melody playing in my head or an instrument in my hand.
The message that this lady preached to us was love for music, so I connected into her speach. The way she spoke wasn't only description, but she had a delicate motion to match every word that she said. It was neat :D She later sang something for us, a short tune in scatter notes, which was neat because I've never heard it before. Then Delta Force [selected chorus group, I'm obviously in it] sang an accapella song for her, and she gave us constructive critcism, including "use more energy to drive the line, use longer vowel sounds and match them, work on breathing, think of a 'vertical sound, etc." So it was nice to see where we stand from someone who knows what they're doing.
This all remind me that about my dreams... Of course, I'd love to make it big in the music industry. Bobby swears that I can, if I keep my mind on the prize. I can glance over to my sunburst Epiphone Les Paul [cheap version, shut up] and honestly say... I want to go somewhere with this. But when I get frustrated, I get discouraged and put it down. I'm not as enthusiastic about music as I have been, but I think that is a result of my happiness levels just decreasing. Okay.
School today made me realize that I really don't have anyone. I don't mean in a sense of "relationships" but friends... many of my friends are only what I could consider an acquantience. People who I once had feelings for are chopper liver, and want nothing to do with me. Friends can look right through me as if I'm not there. Maybe I'm making it up, but I'm being ignored, rejected. It drove me to cut during school again. Using the sharpest thing I could find, right down my arm. I'm growing dependant on the rush and relief I get from it, which I terrible, I know. It just makes me feel better, brings me to reality, lets go of so much that no amount of meditation could bring upon me.
Yes, in the back of my head I have a fear that this will carry on. That I won't be able to stop. Addictions are killer, you know. I can see flashes of my future where I take this a little too far. Yeah, it's scary, but would detirmine whether or not I was meant to live. I've been told accounts on both sides, that I don't deserve to live, and some say I deserve a better life. I feel bad when I hold my problems high, and look at people who get tortured every day, who are starving and living on a street, who cannot control their fate and lives. Then I feel like a bad person.
I'm contemplating seeing my guidance conselour. I think it would be beneficial to have someone to spill everything out to (in person). Someone with good insights, someone who could possibly help me. My only concern is that she will get a hint that I am self-injuring, and tell my parents. So that idea of trouble, as well as my undesiciveness, are holding me back.
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| Here's to the nights we felt alive... |
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January 6th, 2008 ï 11:49pm
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mood |
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complacent |
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music |
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Eve 6 - Here's To The Night |
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I'm not sure what to write about, because I didn't do a THING today.
I have yet to make a New Year's resolution. I could say... lose weight, but then I would be in the loop (and I can't be IN THE LOOP, yanno?). Even though I should shed a few pounds. I could say... be a better person, try to think less bad thoughts about people, but there's a reason that I would think poorly of someone, so tehy deserve it. I could be less bitchy, although some claim that I'm not at all. I beg to differ. Either way, I should find something to work for. Maybe I'll just strive for better grades. But school isn't a top priority of mine.
And now I'm going off on that topic. School... I wish I could change so many aspects. I think we should have a system like England. Graduate high school at 16. I think at 18 years old, you've spent too much time in schools without getting much of a say of what you want to take. Sure, maybe a good argument is that at 16, you don't know what you want to do with your life, but ask anyone who has graduated, do they know? I'm sure a majority don't.
I mean, when am I ever going to need to know what makes a plant green? When am I ever going to know radicals and pythagorean therom? I'm not interested in science or math like that, I'm not going to persue a career in either, so the odds tell me. I don't know, it just pisses me off? Maybe I wouldn't be so fed up with the classes if I was learning something VALUABLE? I think that would be the best roue. But NO, New York State Board of Education, give us some stupid-ass course and expect us to use that in our later lives. Shut the fuck up and go back to your mansion.
I don't want to live in a big house, I don't find that a desire. I'd rather be in a small, even shitty apartment, just doing fine and satisfying myself. I'm not looking to make other people happy with MY life. As I've read before... "It's my life, and when my day to die comes, I'll be the one dying. So let me live how I'd like." I don't want to be rich, just not struggling, you know?
I don't want kids, either. And when I say that, everyone replies, "Well, you're going to change your mind?" Goddammit, no I'm not. Say that again so I have an invitation to slap you in your face. I know what I want, and it's not a kid. I wouldn't be a good mom. I'd be the one saying. Sure, you can get a tattoo, even though you're 11. Make your own dinner tonight, I'm spending some "mommy-time", probably smoking weed in the house, hah. So no thank you, I'd rather not pop an 8 pound human-being out of my crotch.
I always said I didn't want to get married. Which is still true. I think that a wedding is just a cry for money [maybe I'm just sick, haha]. You expect people to give you money, how does that have anything to do with a bond of two people? A big-ass party, why? Maybe if it's someone else's, hah. Marriage = commitment, and I suppose you could say I'm afraid of commitment. It's not really fear, though, but just not my thing. Weddings are materialistic and the divorce rate [yep, bringing statistics into it now]. I don't know, I just find marriage to be so cause-less.
I will go to college, but not a top-college [which pisses everyone off, teachers, parents, family, when I say that]. I don't mean I'm going to the lowest school, but not Harvard or whatever, fuck that. You're getting an education whether you're paying $20,000 or $90,000, you see? You've getting a diploma whether you graduate first in your class, or in the middle That's my mentality, and where I get the "school isn't my first priority" bit. Maybe I'm a little off in my thinking, but you can't lie and tell me that I don't know what I'm talking about. My Russian teacher tried to tell me that I'm in a scenerio and both a person who went to Duke and I are applying for the same job, who would they choose? Well, you dumbfuck, there's more than one job out there. Shut the fuck up.
I'm not what I'm cracked up to be. People think I'm so smart. Intelligence shouldn't be measured in the grades you get but your level of thought. If I was being judged on creativity, I'd beat the top student. But there would be "lowers" beating me. Does that makes sense? Things happen that disable you to do your best. Maybe the person sitting next to you thinks on a lower level than you, but they do better on tests because they just "get it", but you're distracted thinking about how the world came to be, what people of the past where thinking, how everything evolved and technology has came. Everyone has potential to be there, but its just a matter of using a hidden talent.
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iperfectedcrazy's journal